Re: The Story Begins Here: NYU School Campus

[Guest]

James was at a loss of words. Although this no longer seemed to stun him, since these last couple of weeks were just shocking on their own.

He hadn't believed though hearing what Evelyn had said, she was right.

He was doing practically the same thing most girls did to him. Putting himself up on a pedastal, most girls with the exception of Ashlee and Haley knew little about him.

Like Evelyn he was solely seen as something "pretty" to look at.

"You know...I can say that yeah your looks drew me to you.I mean you're pretty freaking beautiful." James paused looking out at the empty campus.

"There's more than that, and I realize now I did that to you, that I put you some pedastal, the way girls would do with me or hell even myself."

James looked to her, meeting her eyes in the darkness, but they still seemed to shine,"We're people, just ordinary people. Who just happen to be cursed with good looks, and we should be treated like people, not gods or sirens or whatever."

James slowly started to realize that did really boil down to him just wanting Evelyn solely on her apperance? Had he been like Sam, just minus being overly romantic like he was?

"Let's face reality here. We're both two totally different people, who just happen to have a fucked up family history. As for us ever being more then whatever the hell we are...it will never happen. You, you need to be with someone that won't leave you for the next girl who will do it with them. Me? Me I need to be with a girl that will do it with me. " James propped his elbows up on his knees and rested his forehead on his knuckles.

He let out a shaky breath, "I mean we really just know how to fucking hurt each other. We do, we're just too good at it and its sick, and if two people are supposed to "like" each other. They wouldn't even dream of saying half the shit we've said to each other."

James turned to Evelyn and grabbed her hand and stared her in the eyes, "You don't deserve to die alone, and you do deserve to have someone love you. Obviously its not me, but I may be angry with you or dislike you,but know that deep my heart I would never wish that for you. All those promises about me never hurting you I meant them, and I hate that I broke every single one of them. I know I hurt you and it kills me. I apologize I do. You didn't deserve that."James' voice wavered, his fingers tingling from her touch.

He closed his mouth now because he figured he had talked enough.

[Tiger-Lily]

Evelyn stared down at their interwoven hands, trying to figure out what he was saying. The hand he held was shaking slightly, even though she tried to calm herself. Any second now, James might turn back into his cold, vicious self. She didn't think she could take that when she was finally letting her guard down around him.

She licked her lips and took a breath to speak. She wished he would let go, but every time he touched her, she froze. And she hated that. Because regardless of how many times he'd hurt her, how many vicious things he'd said, how often he'd made her cry alone, she knew all it would take would be him reaching out for her hand and she'd be vulnerable to him all over again.

Him holding her hand still felt...maybe right was the wrong word. Natural? Easy? Electrifying? What was that, love? She didn't believe in love. Infatuation then? Mere lust? Obsession? "Chemistry" was one way, as James had called it. But it went deeper than that. And consequently, it was like Jake had said: she hated giving up control of her emotions to one person so easily.

She didn't think it was possible that looks or her image were the only thing holding them together. There had been too many incidents in their two years of high school together where James had proved he cared for her more than that. But was it possible that, eventually, she'd forgotten to be the person she was originally and turned into this siren? The feisty girl James had loved was still there, but she'd been tamed into something else that Evelyn had never wanted to be.

And James had kept her that way, unintentionally maybe; but she still resented it. They'd worked well together, and they both knew their parts well. But how much of that was only a front?

She wasn't really a siren - she didn't even know how to flirt. She'd just taken that role because it came with him. A tease, someone who never committed. And she was sick of it.

It was a big part of the reason she wanted to come to NYC. But James' arrival in New York City had threatened to shove her back into that cage. She should have been able to face him and beat back everything he made her feel, she shouldn't have had to rely on Jake for help. But she wasn't strong enough to ignore those haunting blue eyes. And with the way James' touch made her feel right now, she clearly hadn't gotten there yet.

Evelyn realized he was waiting for her to say something, his fingers warm around hers in the chilly night. She exhaled and then inhaled again. Her head swam.

"You're wrong," she murmured, staring down at their hands still. "If I didn't ca-care, if you didn't like me, we'd never have said those hurtful things. We'd have ignored each other. I..." To her horror, Evelyn felt her voice crack and her vision blurred as unstoppable tears began to trickle down her cheeks, gleaming like pearly drops in the darkness. She ducked her head, embarrassed, and used her free hand to wipe at her eyes as subtly as she could before he noticed them.

She sniffed quietly and continued, "I didn't mean to say that I never thought it'd work. For, for a while...b-b-back in senior year, be-before I le-left for Seattle, I thought giv-giving you a chance would fix things. Do y-you remember that? You a-asked, at, at th-the Halloween dance, that I give it a try." More tears trickled faster down her cheeks when memories added their weight.

"I wa-wanted it to work. So bad...badly. But then I left...and I re-realized I couldn't cure you. You ju-just went back to, to being wh-who you used to b-be." She sniffled softly and dug in her bag for a pack of tissues that she'd thrown in there, with her free hand.

"Even though you once told me...told me you weren't like my dad. But you are." Evelyn closed her eyes and her whole body shook with all the tears she kept trying to fight back. They poured down her face even quicker, dripping off her chin and spilling onto her lap. "My mom wasn't enough for him, and I couldn't help you either."

[Guest]

James cupped her chin with his hand and used his thumb to wipe the tears from cheeks, he couldn't stand it. He couldn't take what they had both done to each other. How they had hurt each other and just made each other so weak and broken. He cared for, he cared for her a lot and here he was feeling tears brim his eyes again as he watched her cry.


He didn't want to be like her dad, unable to hold onto something so wonderful. He didn't want to be what his mom told him he would be he never wanted to be someone that couldn't love a person or deserve love. James didn't want that for him or for Evelyn. He was sick of being a player, and the result ended up him pushing people he cared about away.

"Evelyn..." His voice cracked, a few tears slipped from his eyes, "I gave up when you left and I shouldn't have. I didn't want to be like your father or who my mom told me who she thought I was. I wanted to be there for you, I wanted to be with you a--and you leaving to Seattle and just so much happening."

"It isn't an excuse, it shouldn't have been. I was stupid, I'm still stupid. All we've done is damage each other and it hurts, it hurts so much. Not knowing how to be happy anymore or being so, so depressed that you can't eat, or sleep or even want to go out and do things. I don't want us being like this. We had enough of our screwed up family and past that we shouldn't be ruining each other like this now... now that we're finally away from all of that stupid crap. You, you shouldn't have had to fix me or help me. If I really wanted to be with you, I should have tried harder and the fact of the matter is I didn't and now... now... we just. " He turned his head way to wipe his own eyes which stung, although he was sure she saw them it didn't really matter.

"I-I-I don't want us to be like this to each other. I don't want us to be cold and heartless and saying such cruel things to each other." He dropped his voice down to a whisper, "I just want things to be okay again, I just want everything to stop hurting so much."

[Tiger-Lily]

Why was he...crying? Her stomach twisted sickeningly. Evelyn glanced down, using her free hand to shift her bag to her lap like a slightly pointy Nova substitute. God, she missed that puppy right now. She blinked away a few tears clinging to her lashes and watched absently as a few people wandered up from the subway steps nearby, their faces hard to see from this angle.

"It wasn't...it wasn't all your fault. I've always been stand-offish. Too much. You were right when you said I drove people away. I didn't mean to. I just...I don't know." She inhaled quickly to compose herself and her insides shuddered in protest, like they weren't done just yet. But she'd already cried too much this weekend. She looked up at James, who was discreetly wiping at his eyes with his free hand. As if out of instinct, Evelyn shifted ever so slightly toward him and let her weary head rest against his shoulder.

"I don't know what to say to fix things. They've gone south too long. It just, it's hard because...some days I wake up thinking this will be it, the day I can allow myself to think about you and me and not cringe. The day I can honestly say I'm over it all, done with you. But then something happens, and it comes back, everything about you that I don't want to remember." She saw a flash of blond hair out of the corner of her eye as she lifted her gaze to the freshmen dorm building again. James' jacket was tickling her cheek.

Her thumb absently traced circles on the back of his hand. She didn't look at him. "And now I'm wondering why I can't just accept that..." She paused, feeling too vulnerable for her liking. Already her walls were fighting to come back up. Evelyn pushed them down for once. She had to say this and get it all out. "I don't know if it's just my mind panicking, telling me I need to get over you because it knows my heart isn't listening...no matter how hard I try," she said honestly, lowering her gaze to the ground. "And you know how hard I've tried, you know that better than anyone. And it was all because of you."

[Guest]

James listened to her and sniffed, his eyes stung. He couldn't really think of what else to say, he instead let his head rest on top of her's and just felt himself calming but his stomach still turned being here with her. Her touch on him just felt so good but it shouldn't, he should be over her.

They should be over each other but they were both stuck in a mess where neither of them could think of the other without feeling all the emotions they had inflicted whether it had been good or bad.

What was there left to do? They were both trying and it was really hard and they both dug each other into such deep holes and ruined things beyond repair that he didn't know what to do. He was confused, confused as to why she was sitting here telling him that she still had a hard time moving on from him, yet she had kissed Jake right in front of him and it hurt his heart.

That didn't seem to matter to him it felt like it was too long ago but truthfully it had just happened the day before but now he was too focused on what was happening, he let his thumb stroke her skin lazily and focused his gaze up above only seeing the moon hiding behind the clouds and had really missed seeing the stars like he could back home, "So what do we do?" He finally mustered up to say.

[Tiger-Lily]

"I know what I don't want." Evelyn squeezed her eyes shut and then opened them again. A few stray tear drops landed on her blue blouse. "I don't want to be that...thing. I mean, yeah, it was fun and flattering for a while, but then it always ends badly for me." She thought back to Dov the previous year, and stiffened, turning her head so her face was buried in James' shoulder and her voice came out muffled.

"I don't want to be pushed into playing that. I want to be treated like any other girl, not something guys see as a trophy or a prize, as you once called me. I can't be with someone who, as you said, just wants a girl for physical reasons. I'm not willing to go past third base with anyone just yet and probably not...not for a while. There's no one I trust that much yet."

[Guest]

James was confused by that "No one I trust that much yet?" He looked down at her and asked, "What do you mean no one you trust that much yet? I thought you and Jake... " His voice trailed off, he hated finishing that statement.

[Tiger-Lily]

Oh shit. Oh no, I can't believe that just came out. Evelyn tilted her chin up, eyes widening when they met James', as the full implication of what she'd just said hit her.

This wasn't supposed to happen. He wasn't meant to know that.

Evelyn pulled away from him, nervous hands grasping her bag. "You know what, I'm clearly mixing up what I want to say - I'm tired. It's really late. We both have classes tomorrow morning," she said quickly, feeling her cheeks heat. "I just wanted to explain why I thought we wouldn't work out. I've done that, so I'll just go-"

[Guest]

James got up and was wondering why suddenly she was so rushed? This was so confusing he grabbed onto her arm lightly, "Evelyn what the hell just take a deep breath, why are you freaking out?"

[Tiger-Lily]

Evelyn had gotten up. She flushed again and kept her gaze away from his. "No reason. I just...um...I don't know. I don't know what to do. I just wanted to explain why we wouldn't work. That's all."

[Guest]

James eyed Evelyn, she seemed so anxious now and panicked. He wasn't sure but she wouldn't even meet his gaze which made him a bit suspicious as to why. Why had she said something about not getting past third base,then freak out about it.

"Evelyn? Is there something you're not telling me?" James asked this carefully.

[Tiger-Lily]

Evelyn inhaled slowly, biting her lower lip. She tugged at the arm James held, wishing he'd let go. "No. I just...look, can we just call it a night?" she asked, almost pleadingly. "I really don't have anything else I wanted to tell you. I don't know what to do now but neither do you so there's no point in um, standing around..."

[Guest]

James let her go and he wasn't really sure what to believe at this moment, it seemed like she was trying really hard to hide something from him and she was always a terrible liar. Which sometimes was a good thing, but right now it seemed like a bad thing.

"Ev I can tell you're lying, you might as well just tell me." James blurted, he figured she might as well say whatever it is she needs to say.

[Tiger-Lily]

Evelyn rubbed at her wrist, which still tingled. She forced a thin smile. "Nothing. Look, can we just forget it? Let's just focus on where we stand?"

[Guest]

James looked at her and just sighed shaking his head, "Yeah fine, whatever. Alright so where is it that we stand then before you take off?"

[Tiger-Lily]

Evelyn felt a pang of hurt and then guilt. She stepped closer to where he stood, reading his mildly annoyed expression. "I'm not trying to close you off. It's just...some things you're better off not knowing," she said softly. Tentatively, half-afraid he'd just brush it off, she reached out and took his hand, giving it a friendly squeeze. "I don't want to take off. Believe me. I want to work this out, James."

[Guest]

James figured she was right there was honestly just some things better left unsaid, "Fair enough." He said surprised that he was being so understanding, this normally didn't happen so Evelyn should appreciate it.

"I do too, so what do we do from here?" James asked squeezing her hand lightly as it was interlinked with his. He hated how right that felt, he wished that would stop.

[Tiger-Lily]

Evelyn licked her lips, not sure at all herself. She carefully pulled her hand free. For some reason, she felt uncomfortable. So she forced a meek smile. "We could just...try that whole friends thing?" she suggested half-heartedly.

[Guest]

"Yeah, we should try that again." James nodded, giving her a small smile. Hopefully this attempt at friendship would be better then their first attempt.

[Tiger-Lily]

Evelyn didn't say that she doubted any amount of trying would ever make her see James in a platonic light. She just shrugged and looked away so he wouldn't read the doubt in her eyes. "I should get going," she said abruptly. For some reason, she felt like they'd left something out. Like they hadn't reached a solid solution. But she brushed it off.

[Guest]

"Yeah me too, I have class early and I know there's probably homework I didn't do, I haven't been going to class too much so I don't know who to make do my homework for me." James laughed lightly, looking at Evelyn underneath the moonlight and his breath was taken away again.

[Tiger-Lily]

Evelyn wondered why this comment rang a bell in her mind.

Oh. Because Jake, in one of their FB chats, had mentioned getting a kid to do his homework for him in return for security from bullies.

Must not think about Jake in a conversation with James, she reminded herself. Must not think about Jake at all.

She flashed a brief, weak smile up at James and the smile faded when she caught a familiar flicker in his eyes. She'd seen that before and she shifted on her feet uncomfortably. "I...I'm going to...to go. We should hang out sometime, with Ash and Luke," she added that last part quickly.

[Guest]

"Yeah sure one of these days the four of us should hang out." James said turning to leave he looked back at Evelyn, "So I guess I'll see you around then?"

[Tiger-Lily]

She nodded. Cue awkward farewells. She looked at the bench instead of him. "Right. And uh...I'm sorry about that comment I made about...about your mom. That was a low blow."

[Guest]

James flinched remembering that comment he looked back at Evelyn, "I'm really sorry about that one I made about your parents, and I'm sorry I knocked you over. I wouldn't have if I knew it was you."

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